How to talk about doing kinky stuff

For most, the desire to take things to the next kinky level with your partner is underlined with feelings of anxiety or nervousness. But you’re in luck. At Prolong™ we know how difficult it can sometimes be to casually request a finger in the bum from your partner if you’ve never asked before. So what we’re going to do here is guide you to bring up kinky stuff with your significant other — no tears, no slammed doors, and no divorce papers.

Moving away from “normal sex”

The concept of ‘normal’ sex has plagued men for generations. But what is normal? Thinking that what you like might be weird, or dirty, or out of the ordinary is enough to keep most men within a small pool of sexual experiences. Sometimes this can lead to boredom and a loss of interest in sex — when really, feeling challenged or excited in the bedroom is what makes for great love making.

The truth is, there’s no such thing as normal sex. Being aroused comes down to a careful mix of nuance and imagination, scenarios that are out of the ordinary or tapping into long-held sexual fantasies. Kinky behaviour such as bondage, BDSM, anal sex, toys, threesomes, or other ‘weird’ sex acts have a bad rap, especially if you’re in a relationship. But they might be things you want to explore in yours.

Sparking up this conversation with your partner can feel like an impossible task. It’s relinquishing control, and really letting your vulnerability flag fly. But once you get over the jitters, you can open up the Pandora’s Box of great sex 😊🍆.

Why we like kinky sex

Feeling attracted to taboo sexual scenarios is much more normal that you might think. Fancy sex toy brand Lelo ran a recent survey on the topic, and found that 84% of people who responded said they would like more kink in their life.

And then there were the ones who were already well and truly involved: 77% said that they’ve tried BDSM before, 20% had attended a sex party, and a massive 90% said that S+M is part of a normal, healthy sex life.

From a psychological perspective, it’s a pretty clear cut situation: we are always attracted to what we can’t have. Kinky sex often plays on skewing societal norms, with themes that are outside of what we would normally do or how we would want to behave. Whilst we’re not actually wanting to hurt each other or have sex with our mathematics professor, kinky sex plays around on the border of the topic, making us feel naughty and spiking our adrenalin.

MORE: Using alcohol to make sex last longer? Think again.

Opening up the conversation

Many of us have had some kind of kinky sexual thought in their life. For some, it will have remained locked away in a ‘break in case of emergency’ case. For others, you’ll have explored it already with the type of porn you watch, or erotic fiction you read. But how do you bring your kinky fantasies to life?

Sex expert Vanessa Muradian of Mia Muse says that it can be an easy as watching some porn together, and asking what your partner thinks.

“Watch a kinky movie and ask their opinion about it. If you’re interested in kink, talk to your partner about wanting to explore it and wanting them there with you. Give them some time to be with the idea if this is new territory.”

Trust and communication are essentially and will be, the whole of your kink relationship. “Start with less intimidating objects or explorations and just ask, be open and listen to their response - often,” says Vanessa. “This will be the beginning of what could be a wonderful kink relationship.”

There’s a fine line between suggesting kinky behaviour in an approachable way, and suggesting kinky behaviour in a way that will make your partner walk out and never return. It all comes down to confidence.

Be confident and make them feel safe

Your partner is going to respond to the climate you create when having the conversation. If you go in nervous and anxious, stammering and blushing, they are going to feel the same way. But if you approach the topic feeling sexy, confident, and in control? Chances are they will respond in a similar way.

Sex expert Megan Luscombe says that being open and transparent in the conversation is important to setting the tone.

“It's important to always have open discussions when it comes to sex, especially when it comes to personal fantasies or kink and fetishes,” says Megan. “Repetitive sex can get stale, boring and for some couples, off-putting. I suggest couples open the discussion by playing around with couple fantasies and see where it leads.”

Some easy conversation openers could be…

• “Have you ever tried anything kinky in the bedroom before?”
• “I was watching porn the other day and saw them doing this thing…”
• “This might sound crazy, but I’ve always wanted to try…”
• “I don’t know if you’ve tried this before, but I never have — I’d love to give it a go with you.” 😊🍆

Pick one thing you’ve always wanted to try. Maybe it’s BDSM, or some light whipping. Now, take it down a notch — there’s always room to up the intensity once you both feel comfortable. Open the conversation by talking about your sexual fantasies, and say that you’ve always wanted to try it. If they seem positive, maybe try watching some porn related to the scenario — it can give them some kind of idea what you’re looking for, and sex the mood.

MORE: Want to know how to last that little bit longer in bed? Find out here.

Planning your response

For many couples, this will be the first time you have this conversation. Kinky sex, if it wasn’t part of your sexual routine from the start, is unlikely to occur organically out of the blue once you’ve been together for a while. So, don’t be too worried if your partner doesn’t seem too keen.

“Ask some questions about sexual limitations and things they'd be comfortable exploring together,” says Megan. “It's important to make sure that both parties are absolutely comfortable when it comes to kink/fetish stuff.”

Listen carefully when they outline their limitations — kink can be particularly triggering for those who might have experienced sexual trauma in the past. But once you get the green light, start to talk about how you might like to create a sexy, fun, environment.

This might mean creating safe words, or identifying particular positions — for example, they might be OK with some light whipping, but not if it starts to leave a mark. Or, being blindfolded is fine just as long as you keep talking.

Getting started

If you and your partner are new to the world of kink, sex shops can be helpful in getting started. From costumes to sex toys, porn movies to props, they’re a great source of inspiration when exploring your sexual fantasies. And the shop assistant will have seen just about everything, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Too shy to visit a sex shop? Trying browsing online. There are plenty of great websites that offer extensive ranges of kink-related items. Make a night of it: grab a bottle of wine, and take a look at what seems exciting for you both. If you’ve done this before, lead the way - but make sure they feel involved in the process, too.

Whilst the artistic credibility of ‘50 Shades Of Grey’ might be debatable, it sure did work at bringing kink into the mainstream consciousness. Couples are becoming more and more attracted to the idea of trying out something new in the bedroom that pushes the limits of what they’ve done before. Kink isn’t the taboo corner of sexual expression it once was — it’s fun, it’s exhilarating, and it brings a sense of excitement back to the bedroom.

After all, life’s too short for missionary. 😊🍆